Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Grocery Stores

There's too much pressure at the grocery store. You go there, you pick up your little basket and start the humiliation process. It all starts with that basket too, doesn't it? A basket? Who's making these decisions, Little Red Riding Hood up in corporate? Is Yogi the Bear a major shareholder in this company? I'm-a gonna go shopping with this here-a grocery basket, eh Boo Boo?

So I'm skipping down the aisle (I've got a basket you know) and I think I might want to pick up some soup. There are a couple other people in the aisle, so it's awkward already. Everyone lines up on the opposite side of the aisle of the product you're looking at like the soup is picking you out of a lineup. Maybe one brave soul will lean in and grab something to take a look at it. Everyone stares. What did he pick up? I can't believe he likes broccoli! Fool! Does he not see the tomato sitting right there? Now, as a guy, you're not really supposed to be concerned with things like calories or fat content. So you do things like turn the can ever-so-slightly so you can kind of read the nutritional value from the side of the can without anyone noticing that you care about your health. You try to make up something manly to say while you are secretly looking at the sodium content - "Oh, it's got chicken in it..." - "...I recognize that from the many barbecues I've hosted"

2 comments:

Friends Help! said...

When I go to the grocery store i'm always looking around thinking well if I buy the offbrand am I being cheap? The name brand tastes better and the checkout clerk will say Hey That guys likes his expensive shit...not really she/he will just ring it up and say your total and probably say I wonder if he knows he has a stage five clinger....(BOOOOGERRRR)

~One Among Many~ said...

Ooooo it's not just a guy thing. I always feel like I'm being watched at the grocery store. Mind you I use a cart though - not a basket. Carts arent for the feint of heart! And there you are picking that first cart..its a gamble. Will the wheels squeak...will they stick and make you feeling like you're in the strongest man competition? Breaking a sweat just to get some damn bread! aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

So then you pass these people and you wonder why they're staring...oh that's right...the cart you chose HAD to squeak and be loud as hell...announcing your arrival in Breads and Crackers. As if the world just caved in - your cart has to announce that you are HERE! You WILL get that bread! and you then have to say ever so politely, "Excuse me sir" while you shove aside the old man going for the last loaf of bread you actually enjoy...

They're always watching...waiting for the squeaky cart...

>_>