Friday, June 6, 2008

Jackie Chan could do it

I dont know what it is about urinals, but they always make me feel like doing a backflip. Not like in a figurative sense, but in a literal, Jackie Chan (or to a lesser extent Steven Seagal) type backflip. Maybe they are at just the right height but everytime I'm at one I just imagine putting my foot up on it and taking the leap.

Of course the practicality of this is pretty low. I mean, the thing is built to withstand maybe what, a cup, two cups of urine? I somehow doubt a grown man taking a flying leap off it came into the designer's minds. Wouldn't that make for some awkward conversation with facilities?

"How did this happen?"
"Well, I was attempting to do a backflip"
"A... backflip?"
"Yeah, you know... stand on it, completely flip over backwards, and land on your feet."
"What the hell would posses you to do a backflip off a urinal?"
" was the right height..."

Wednesday, April 2, 2008


I like going on vacation. Who doesn't? Vacation is great because you can do what you want to do at home (absolutely nothing) without having to worry about people thinking you're lazy. I'm on vacation! Screw "doing something with my life!". For these two weeks you can consider me a wino who's been displaced from the inner city and placed on a beach after winning a round of Wheel of Fortune. Turns out the answer was "pigeons".

When you're on vacation, in order to feel good about yourself you need to send people notification that you are there. So we send postcards that read things like "Wish you were here" and "Greetings from beautiful Guatemala!". Secretly we want to write "Nyah nyah, we're in a tropical paradise and you're not!" but we keep it PC because we know we'll have to face these people soon. I think my biggest problem with postcards is that there's no security. You write it, you hand it to the guy, 2 weeks after you get back from your vacation it arrives looking all beat up and worn. Anyone could be reading what you wrote, so you'd better not write anything you don't want everyone along the route to see. "Dear Dad, don't tell Mom I broke her vase in 10th grade but I'm in Hawaii. I just wanted to let you know. Also, the doctor called, I think I may have herpes. It's pretty bad by this point." I can't imagine the bru-ha-ha's that must go on at the post office, just rifling through thousands of these post cards. "Hey Jerry, you've got to come see this one." "Oh, herpes, tough luck. He must have been down at the local Peek-a-boo".

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

I recently cut my hair. It was just getting too unmanageable. However, I would like to grow my hair out. What's with the phrase "grow your hair out" anyways? It seems to me that this expression really only applies to certain people. All the rest of us who don't have super curly hair grow our hair down.

I think the primary reason I like growing my hair is because I like to wear hats. And what's long hair but a hat you can wear all the time? That's why women are so fashionable, they've always got an exquisite hat on. Men, on the other hand, we're walking around with our Elmer Fudd caps and beanies on. That's why most rock stars have long hair; they know proper head wear is the key to success.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Foreign Bathrooms

The bathroom is always awkward for me when I spend the night at a friend's house. Typically there's lots of eating during the day, or maybe you went over for a barbecue and had to stay the night because you'd been drinking so you couldn't drive. So the inevitable happens, you feel that urge and you've got to GO.

What is it about pooping at a friend's house that's so awkward? I mean, the bathroom was designed for this sort of thing, I'm sure they've pooped there, so what's the big deal? I think pooping at a friend's house should be a compliment! You know how in some european countries it's a compliment to burp after a meal? Well, why can't this be our thank-you. The after dinner poop. I liked your food so much, I had to get rid of all the food I already had with me in order to make room for yours!

I think the problem with pooping at a friend's house is getting to a point where your friend is sufficiently distracted so you can sneak off for a couple of minutes. Try to get them interested in a TV show or speaking to a cute party member. Then you're good to go. Now, if you can make it to the night-time you're golden. Morning is also a popular time. Once they are asleep, that bathroom is all yours, it's just a matter of whether or not you can make it that long.

Is there anything more disconcerting than pooping in a bathroom where the door has no lock on it? I mean, what is this the stone ages? Locks haven't been invented yet? Every little bump is magnified. You hear someone in high heels down the hall, you freak out cause you thought it might have been a knock "SOMEONE'S IN HERE!". When there are children at a party the lock-less door becomes even more dangerous. Children have no sense of knocking at all. Door is closed, don't bother checking the light under the door, just walk right in! If I ever have children, thats the first thing they are learning. Screw talking, lets talk about knocking.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

The Deli

As you're wandering through the grocery store you might come across the deli. Now let me take a moment to say that I love the deli. Because it's always attached to the bakery. It's every man's dream, isn't it? We've got the meat, the cheese, and the bread all in one location. All I need is a TV with a football game on and a recliner and I'll be good to go. Now the problem with the deli is the pressure that gets put on you by the people behind the counter. I always try to wait until they are helping someone else so I can slide and look at the deals at my own pace. God help you if you're the only one there. There's just too many choices. Do I want Honey Ham or Maple Ham? Oven Baked Turkey or Smoked Turkey? Then there's all the meats that aren't sliced. Huge chunks of animals I've never even heard of. I'm still searching for that magical salami creature. The worst part is when there's something you want but the pre-cut version is too thin or too thick. Then you've got to ask them to cut you some fresh. You can hear the disdain in their voice from the moment you ask. I try to make it a point not to piss off people who work around lots of knives and slicers.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Grocery Stores

There's too much pressure at the grocery store. You go there, you pick up your little basket and start the humiliation process. It all starts with that basket too, doesn't it? A basket? Who's making these decisions, Little Red Riding Hood up in corporate? Is Yogi the Bear a major shareholder in this company? I'm-a gonna go shopping with this here-a grocery basket, eh Boo Boo?

So I'm skipping down the aisle (I've got a basket you know) and I think I might want to pick up some soup. There are a couple other people in the aisle, so it's awkward already. Everyone lines up on the opposite side of the aisle of the product you're looking at like the soup is picking you out of a lineup. Maybe one brave soul will lean in and grab something to take a look at it. Everyone stares. What did he pick up? I can't believe he likes broccoli! Fool! Does he not see the tomato sitting right there? Now, as a guy, you're not really supposed to be concerned with things like calories or fat content. So you do things like turn the can ever-so-slightly so you can kind of read the nutritional value from the side of the can without anyone noticing that you care about your health. You try to make up something manly to say while you are secretly looking at the sodium content - "Oh, it's got chicken in it..." - "...I recognize that from the many barbecues I've hosted"