The Deli

As you're wandering through the grocery store you might come across the deli. Now let me take a moment to say that I love the deli. Because it's always attached to the bakery. It's every man's dream, isn't it? We've got the meat, the cheese, and the bread all in one location. All I need is a TV with a football game on and a recliner and I'll be good to go. Now the problem with the deli is the pressure that gets put on you by the people behind the counter. I always try to wait until they are helping someone else so I can slide and look at the deals at my own pace. God help you if you're the only one there. There's just too many choices. Do I want Honey Ham or Maple Ham? Oven Baked Turkey or Smoked Turkey? Then there's all the meats that aren't sliced. Huge chunks of animals I've never even heard of. I'm still searching for that magical salami creature. The worst part is when there's something you want but the pre-cut version is too thin or too thick. Then you've got to ask them to cut you some fresh. You can hear the disdain in their voice from the moment you ask. I try to make it a point not to piss off people who work around lots of knives and slicers.

Grocery Stores

There's too much pressure at the grocery store. You go there, you pick up your little basket and start the humiliation process. It all starts with that basket too, doesn't it? A basket? Who's making these decisions, Little Red Riding Hood up in corporate? Is Yogi the Bear a major shareholder in this company? I'm-a gonna go shopping with this here-a grocery basket, eh Boo Boo?

So I'm skipping down the aisle (I've got a basket you know) and I think I might want to pick up some soup. There are a couple other people in the aisle, so it's awkward already. Everyone lines up on the opposite side of the aisle of the product you're looking at like the soup is picking you out of a lineup. Maybe one brave soul will lean in and grab something to take a look at it. Everyone stares. What did he pick up? I can't believe he likes broccoli! Fool! Does he not see the tomato sitting right there? Now, as a guy, you're not really supposed to be concerned with things like calories or fat content. So you do things like turn the can ever-so-slightly so you can kind of read the nutritional value from the side of the can without anyone noticing that you care about your health. You try to make up something manly to say while you are secretly looking at the sodium content - "Oh, it's got chicken in it..." - "...I recognize that from the many barbecues I've hosted"